[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
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HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Taliband
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
he chose this
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Found the job I’m suited for
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”