[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.