Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?
Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends
Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
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our anxious 4yo recently learned that all humans die. it was really tough, we all cried, but we got through it.
today he found out that all humans die at DIFFERENT TIMES and he’s LIVID
Do the right thing.
Not right away, but like after you get called out.
Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*
Little do you know that in my head I’ve already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body.
and my snacks…
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
You have 3 meals a day?
Are you a millionaire or an inmate?
jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.