@aimlessamers

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

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@thatdutchperson

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

@AlixEHarrow

our anxious 4yo recently learned that all humans die. it was really tough, we all cried, but we got through it.

today he found out that all humans die at DIFFERENT TIMES and he’s LIVID

@Underchilde

Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.

@Jerrypleasure

Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Me: Okay
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*

@NymphoFor

Little do you know that in my head I’ve already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body.

@DanMentos

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

@bacon_gillepic

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

@anylaurie16

jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.