@thatdutchperson
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
@aimlessamers
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
You Might Also Like
@thatdutchperson
@AlixEHarrow
our anxious 4yo recently learned that all humans die. it was really tough, we all cried, but we got through it.
today he found out that all humans die at DIFFERENT TIMES and he’s LIVID
@Underchilde
Do the right thing.
Not right away, but like after you get called out.
@Jerrypleasure
Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Me: Okay
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*
@NymphoFor
Little do you know that in my head I’ve already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body.
@sass_n_ass
My neck,
My back,
My Netflix
and my snacks…
@DanMentos
canβt wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
@bacon_gillepic
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
@KoKeniSasquatch
You have 3 meals a day?
Are you a millionaire or an inmate?
@anylaurie16
jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.