Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
😂😂
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed