[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
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There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Mountain Goat : )
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore