[first date]
*sees he owns a cat*
Him: Are you a cat or a dog person?
*maintains eye contact*
*pushes cat off the table*

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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.


Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama


I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.


There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.


Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.


*buys soap on a rope

Cashier: Paper or plastic?

Me: Neither.. I’ll wear it out thanks


I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.