@MartaEffing

[first date]
Me:
*sees he owns a cat*
Him: Are you a cat or a dog person?
Me:
*maintains eye contact*
*pushes cat off the table*
*leaves*

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@sera9elliot

now that we’ve banned plastic straws, i guess i’ll just have to drink my frappucino through this assault rifle

@MafiaJoker78

*Leaves home for the day…

*Fears I left something behind

*Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone.

*Grabs phone & leaves.

@MarfSalvador

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

@ImSoFrancis

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

@offbeatoliv

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

@SortaBad

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

@LurkAtHomeMom

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

@tkhan74

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”