now that we’ve banned plastic straws, i guess i’ll just have to drink my frappucino through this assault rifle
*sees he owns a cat*
Him: Are you a cat or a dog person?
*maintains eye contact*
*pushes cat off the table*
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*Leaves home for the day…
*Fears I left something behind
*Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone.
*Grabs phone & leaves.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Curiosity doesn’t kill anything, stupidity does.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”