[first date]
*sees he owns a cat*
Him: Are you a cat or a dog person?
*maintains eye contact*
*pushes cat off the table*

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now that we’ve banned plastic straws, i guess i’ll just have to drink my frappucino through this assault rifle


*Leaves home for the day…

*Fears I left something behind

*Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone.

*Grabs phone & leaves.


me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high


*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?


One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.


Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday


Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car


8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.


I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”