I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
How your email finds me