[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…


My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.


FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.


If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.


Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.


[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…


Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?