@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

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@TheAlexNevil

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

@SondraDeeMe

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

@Burtslorp

FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.

@daemonic3

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

@BrendanMcKeigan

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

@TheToddWilliams

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

@HelsNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…

@jctwritesstuff

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?