Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
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I hate when that happens.
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
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TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?