I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]
Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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I’m a man trapped outside a woman’s body.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
*Slips my number to your dog as I leave your party*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”