@daemonic3

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

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@iLightbulb

Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead

@deadstick_ron

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

@SouthendNewsNet

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

@jergarl

I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.

@patnspankme

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

@robotrowboat

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

@iGreenMonk

One man’s internet wife is another man’s internet husband.

@LaytesAgain

For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”

@Quartzjixler

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!