[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
You Might Also Like
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.