[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*


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[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha


I’m on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.


*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm

*calls cell phone



casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet


[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.


Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?


Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor’s recycling bins. So the garbage men don’t think it’s just me.


[stuck on an island]
message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us
bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we’ll send help


Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.