@daemonic3

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

@BooFricketyHoo

I’m on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.

@myboots111

*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm

*calls cell phone

*waits

@dorsalstream

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

@UncleDuke1969

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

@EvanJKessler

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

@kwirkyKerri

Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor’s recycling bins. So the garbage men don’t think it’s just me.

@LaziestCanine

[stuck on an island]
message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us
bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we’ll send help

@Tmoney68

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.