When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?