@Sickayduh

[First date]

“Ok. Don’t let her know you’re just 40 squirrels in human clothes”

“You said that out loud”

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@ItsAndyRyan

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

@jellybnbonanza

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

@Brentweets

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

@thepaulahunt

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

@TheAlexNevil

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

@IamJackBoot

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

@sofarrsogud

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

@hyperblastchic

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat