A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
“Ok. Don’t let her know you’re just 40 squirrels in human clothes”
“You said that out loud”
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My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
Twice baked potatoes
-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.