[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
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Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Expect the unexporcupine.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.