@TommyWallace

[First date]
okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter

Her: so what kinda wine should I get

Me: haha white is always the best

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@bigmacher

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

@bornmiserable

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

@WhaJoTalkinBout

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

@KentWGraham

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

@daemonic3

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

@ShrinkMedia

If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.

@OINKimmaPIG

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

@jimmytorosian

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

@sunexplode

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.