If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter
Her: so what kinda wine should I get
Me: haha white is always the best
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[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.