[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
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Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
ME (calling my horse with no name):