[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
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Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company