When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”
So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.
If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.
“No sex tonight, I just put on clean sheets.”
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.