@Deirdreocx

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

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@TweetingDadGuy

When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.

@prufrockluvsong

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

@ruthakers

I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”

So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.

@thespacewad

If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.

@BuckyIsotope

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

@PaperWash

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

@CornerPubRon

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.