@Deirdreocx

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

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@fro_vo

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

@pilau

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

@jergarl

Wife:How’d you sleep?

Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo

W:

Ambien:*giggles

@KyleMcDowell86

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

@MooseAllain

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

@MakeYourBedlam

I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, “Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!”

@AllanForsyth

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

@UGotMeRight

You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.