Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
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↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Wife:How’d you sleep?
Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, “Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.