Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
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Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
Danny Devito: well hello there
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!