[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
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Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Jesus Christ lmao
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.