@DanMentos

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

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@BoogTweets

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

@ObscureGent

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

@briangaar

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

@BrettDruck

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

@iSamJack

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending
machine.

@krisv_723

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

@BoomBoomBetty

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

@CruisinSoozan

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

@pilau

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there