[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
You Might Also Like
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Holy shit he’s back
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
this has to be peak English
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years