[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
You Might Also Like
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
When news reporters do sports stories
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me :
All Day At Night
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.