[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
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Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.