Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.