I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
yup im doing this
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.