@T_Bonezzz_

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

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@FunnyBison

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

@samalmightysam

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

@stevevsninjas

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

@Reverend_Scott

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

@buck4itt

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

@THE_shitface

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

@TheCatWhisprer

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.