*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*

“Okay everyone grab a partner.”

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Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.


Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore


Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet?

Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years


*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*


Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it’s delicious.


Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.


“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out


I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.


Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.