Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*
“Okay everyone grab a partner.”
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Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet?
Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years
A birth certificate is basically a baby receipt.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it’s delicious.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”
Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.