‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*
“Okay everyone grab a partner.”
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ME: Here she comes.
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
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ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
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ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*