@crmotwo

*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*

“Okay everyone grab a partner.”

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@derpintine

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

@Lisabug74

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

@thatUPSdude

The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, “My place isn’t that bad, I can go another week”

@Staggfilms

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

@Brewsker

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

@david8hughes

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

@imskytrash

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

@_steamy_mac

Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five

@dorsalstream

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT