[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Finally! 😈
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.