[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
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Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.