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@Jerrypleasure: [First Day As a Babysitter]
"Alexa, change the kid's diaper"
@theroyaltramp: When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.
*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.
@ObscureGent: 88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
@AaronFullerton: Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?
@DothTheDoth: All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.
@SunshineJarboly: me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what