[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Breaking news:
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
no
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud