If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
“That’s what she said”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.