First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
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– people who give 110%
*refuses to pick up toys*
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.
Explain morning people.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don’t want to pay
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home
Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.