[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
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My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely