[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

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If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.


Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.


Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*


“That’s what she said”


The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.


[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?


“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”


my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie


#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.


“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.