@TheHyyyype

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

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@JasonLastname

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

@Distracted_Dad

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

@joanneraposo

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

@NervousJr

Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.

Explain morning people.

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

@local__celeb

if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don’t want to pay

@KevinBuffalo

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

@Megatronic13

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

@RayInCincinnati

I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.