Sometimes I think “What would Dexter do”?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Me: you said make it stiff
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…
Cat: Why are you looking at me?
Me: You’re acting strange.
Me: Are you on drugs?
Cat: Drugs…you’re the one who thinks I’m talking.