[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
You Might Also Like
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
A choir of Spring onions