No recovering from getting your arm stuck in a Pringles can on a first date.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
me: because I hate them
“oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm” – what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.