(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
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For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.