@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

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@SortaBad

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

@3sunzzz

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

@brynnester

Before the internet the only way to review your stay at a Hotel was to write a song about it. Like The Eagles did

@stevevsninjas

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

@LaniBeno

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

@ellewasamistake

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

@singleplaiddad

Day 3 of self isolation:

Hour 7432:

Alexa and I are engaged…

Siri is kinda jealous…

It’s either gonna get interesting or ugly…

@Megatronic13

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag