Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?