@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

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@DevilryFun

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

@notalogin

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

@heatherlou_

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

@hazelmotes1

I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.

@

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