@PhillyD
@KylePlantEmoji
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
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@PhillyD
@SortaBad
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
@3sunzzz
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
@brynnester
Before the internet the only way to review your stay at a Hotel was to write a song about it. Like The Eagles did
@stevevsninjas
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
@LaniBeno
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
@sofarrsogud
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
@ellewasamistake
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
@singleplaiddad
Day 3 of self isolation:
Hour 7432:
Alexa and I are engaged…
Siri is kinda jealous…
It’s either gonna get interesting or ugly…
@Megatronic13
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag