@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

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@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when people say “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” I mean, c’mon, one inconvenience at a time.

@CutPics

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like ,80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”

@lloydrang

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

@mommywhitfield

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

@NickelForward

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

@kimtopher22

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

@SadieSmithRoks

It happens when you least expect it.

Your head starts to spin. You lose control and you start falling head over heels.

-winter ice/love

@rhysjamesy

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

@ThRealBallsDeep

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

@CantWaitToNap

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.