[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I self medicate, therefore you live.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.