Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.
[First day as a beaver]
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: stop playing with your food
Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.
And this, kids, is why education is key.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.