[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
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Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Note to self: always read the final line
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.