I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
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ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.