[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

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I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”


[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?


Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division


McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.


Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?


my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast


[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.


I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me


“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”



Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.