@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

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@4SLars

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

@DamienFahey

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

@TheWeirdWorld

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

@knot_kristy

i miss when my mom would fix girls nails after they got in a fight for free if they showed her the fight video

@dethbycofee

its cute how 2020 is trying to out do itself by being more shitty everyday. almost like itโ€™s trying to impress me….omg are u flirting with me, 2020?

@ClichedOut

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

@Henry_3000

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.