YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
Migraine: Yes I am.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
You Might Also Like
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
i miss when my mom would fix girls nails after they got in a fight for free if they showed her the fight video
its cute how 2020 is trying to out do itself by being more shitty everyday. almost like it’s trying to impress me….omg are u flirting with me, 2020?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.