*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
tis the season
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”