[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
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Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.