@girlnarly

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

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@FromMinivan

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

@tuckerflodman

Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I’m Pudding you in Custardy!

“Ugh, well isn’t this just Flantastic.”

@jus4golf

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

@mariah_hartjes

Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”

@1evilidiot

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

@fro_vo

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

@bobvulfov

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

@abbycohenwl

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

@JohnLyonTweets

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A