[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????