[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

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How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.


I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.


You’re supposed to throw rice at new babies and their mothers, right? Traditions are weird.


For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…


3yo: make me oatmeal

me: *poof* you’re oatmeal


me: *makes oatmeal


[At the gym]

Him: Time for crunches.

Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.


[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*


Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel


Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know


Buy a “World’s Greatest Boss” mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.