[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
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I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh