@seancehat

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

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@DaddyJew

How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.

@BastardProphet

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

@just1fool

You’re supposed to throw rice at new babies and their mothers, right? Traditions are weird.

@Marlebean

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

@novicefather

3yo: make me oatmeal

me: *poof* you’re oatmeal

3yo:

me: *makes oatmeal

@bngzyface

[At the gym]

Him: Time for crunches.

Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.

@RdrJay47

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

@AdamBroud

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

@markleggett

Buy a “World’s Greatest Boss” mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.