[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
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8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself