[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…