[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
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I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
just got my engagement photos