[First day as a CIA agent]

Agent: Shooter approaching at 11 o’clock

Me: *looks at watch* Oh nice, we have some time then

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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist


My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.


My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.


And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.


I will not eat a donut.
I will not eat a donut.
I will not eat…

I will not eat a third donut.
I will not eat a third donut.


Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.


They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.


[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse


*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*