Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.