*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside