CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
You Might Also Like
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job