bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
This checks out
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“OMGJK” -atheists