life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
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Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I found your tweet-up…
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Always a metermaid never a meter
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?