*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
God has abandoned us.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.