@SvnSxty

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

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@wolfpupy

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

@robfee

Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

@ShaunRightNow

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

@truegritrumble

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

@iamjohnsarris

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

@karanbirtinna

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??