They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!