[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
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*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Haha good job!!
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?