[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
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Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe