[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

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Girls are a lot like oceans,


and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.


I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??


Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.


Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.


Everyone complains about immigration until they’re searching the city for a decent taco.


I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.


DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT


My kids are in Karate class and I’m just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.