First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
You Might Also Like
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay