[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.